Well today I wanna share something much more personal. In honor of October being pregnancy and infant loss awareness month I have to share my personal story. See all together I have had 5 pregnancies.... I only have two boys.... So I have 3 Angels.... At least... (It's possible my first miscarriage was twins) and tho I did not get to meet my babies the feeling of having something leave your womb and the emptiness you feel is excruciating. Each time I cried for a week or more. Each time losing a little piece of me.... My first pregnancy was before I was married (yes I am not perfect and don't claim to be) and The thought of an abortion passed my mind for a second and then I promptly decided that it was NOT my child's fault I made a "mistake" it was my responsibility to own up to what happened. And the person I was with was not the one for me. I felt trapped and I knew with this young man I had no chance of the future that I wanted for myself. But when I had the first miscarriage I was so afraid because I thought I would die from all of the blood I lost. I went to the emergency room and that's when I found out I was RHnegative. I found out that for me it would be a little tougher on my body because of this blood condition where essentially my body saw my baby as something it needed to get rid of.
And I went to a very dark place. This was when my depression got a little bad. After a few weeks I ended the relationship because I knew it wasn't what I wanted and moved on with my life and things got better. Within the next several months I met my husband and we became very good friends. We dated for a short time and he told me he wanted to marry me immediately which was what I wanted in life.... To be a WIFE.... And together we had my first miracle Brian Jr. Because I had all the shots I needed and I knew what I needed to do because of my health concerns. It was the greatest blessing ever so we wanted to try again it we waited several years to try and then Brian had his aneurysm and I got pregnant with Mika Dane which was when the weight gain and health problems started again because I had recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. After we had Mika we wanted to try again and we lost our first child together a couple of months in.... Yes It was tough... But we got thru it together and a year later we got pregnant again and lost that one as well a couple months in.
Life has given me a bunch of lemons and probably won't ever stop lol BUT... Life has also given me MORE blessings! Now my life is amazing! I'm happily married almost 11 years! We have a 9year old son, soon to be 10 and a 3 year old soon to be 4 and we want one more so we will keep trying and prayerfully the Lord blessed us with one and it's a girl! But I have learned not to complain. Everything that happens builds who I am and each experience I have ever had in my entire life has made me so strong and wise!
Yes this is personal and no I don't mind that I have shared it because it's part of my testimony! It's part of my STORY... It's part of me, the past isn't something we dwell on BUT we must understand it made us who we are. We own it. I always think of all my babies I lost And I don't shed many tears now because I know it's ok.... If you have lost a pregnancy or an infant my heart goes out to you and prayerfully you find strength because I know it seems like a whole bunch to bear especially that you either didn't get to meet them or your time was cut short it stinks. I can't imagine how hard it is to lose an infant but it is still hard to lose a baby in your womb. I had a friend tell me shortly after I lost one that "well it was just the size of a small ball" 😔 No sweetie... To me... I lost a part of ME....